I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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