Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
