Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
