whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
