i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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