dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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