I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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