So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
