you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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