she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
