Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
