Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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