why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
