I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
