Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
