Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
