just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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