I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
