i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
