I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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