the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
