I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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