and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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