What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Even my vagina gasped.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
