My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
