just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
