She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
