Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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