If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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