gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
