I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
