So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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