I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
