his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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