i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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