one word: firstdatebathroomanal
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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