my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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