dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
