I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
