Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
