Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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