How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
