So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
