i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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