Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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