i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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