Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
