I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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