Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
