I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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